What year is it? What month and where am I? Depression looks like a lot of different things and it sure has its nasty little claws dug in deep. I wish it wasn’t the case, but here I am. I haven’t been here in a while. I haven’t written in a long time. I haven’t folded my clothes, made my bed, or washed my face. I don’t care to do too much of anything. Especially write. I am forcing myself to do this today because I am procrastinating. I love to procrastinate. I have a mound of homework due. It was due yesterday, but yesterday I chose to do a hundred other things including sleep. I love to sleep. I want to call into work so I can – you guessed it – sleep.
It is really all I do. I do it to escape the harsh realities of this world. I do it to escape responsibilities, to escape stress, and to escape – everything. Sleeping makes it all better. But when I wake, the reality is still there. So I sleep some more. Maybe my phone will stop ringing. Maybe my clothes will fold themselves. Maybe my homework will write what is needed. Maybe I will wake and my depression will go away.
It is still here. No amount of meds, therapy, or sleep is making anything better. The phone keeps ringing, the bills mound up, and work still calls. It is my living nightmare. Let us hope they do not win.
I have a two hour assessment soon to manage my medication. This coming Monday to be exact. I am nervous. I have to hash out my life – again. In detail. Details I’ve already shared and have worked through, mostly. I have to share them with someone new. Someone I don’t know. I am nervous. I said that already, I know. I feel the panic boiling. I feel it rising to the top and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. I just want it to stop. I want it all to be over. Please let it be over.
I want to share this with you because writing it out helps me process my feelings. My deep rooted feelings. I also want to share this with you because many of you know me. You know I have a passion and my passion is slowly dying. I want to share this with you because I love my readers. My readers know I am honest, raw, and straight-forward.
Depression looks like a lot of things. For me, it looks like I avoid my problems and I do. I avoid all of them. At all costs. If it weren’t for my dogs, I would never get out of bed. I’d fail all my classes, and the phone would always ring. I would never go to work. I’d probably get fired.
I am managing somehow. I manage to get up because Einstien, my dog, makes me. So after that, I manage to make coffee. Einstein plays with his toys which makes me laugh a little and that somehow makes me really smile. Something I don’t do. Thank heavens for my dog.
I can do it. I can do it all if I could just get out of this state. My well-being is at stake. So I write this today to think of me in your prayers, or thoughts, or spells, or whatever you are into. I think about you all the time.
If you are depressed, reach out to someone. even if it is passive-agressively like I am doing here. LOL. Reach out to a hotline. Reach out to a friend. The shit is hard, I know. I’ve been trying to reach out for months and I finally got the balls to do it here. I have friends, family, and therapy. I have all the support I could need, but sometimes it is easier to act normal than to be who you truly are. They like you better that way.
Seek help if you are in crisis. Depression is ugly. I know. I love all of you.
I made a new page today. It has all of my work. My two new books, my published short stories, and my author pages. I hope to see you there. Thank you for reading.