Will Power

An easy thing to say, but an even harder thing to obtain. (I promise I didn’t mean to rhyme.)

I sat in therapy today and we talked about my illustrious will power. It is illustrious because I have achieved so much because of it.

Recently, I wrote and published a book. It sits there on Amazon, untouched, but it does sit there and it is more than I can say about some of my work – work I’ve let sit for months and even years, doing absolutely nothing. That, my dear readers, is about to change.

I’ve finished two short stories. Not an easy task for some. Short stories are hard to write, in my opinion because you have to take an idea, keep it grand, but small, and try to fit it into a word count of less than 10,000, but more than 1,000. It’s tough – like writing poetry or fat novels which turn into series. In any case, writing is hard. Any writer will tell you this. It’s why we love it so much. It challenges us each in different ways.

It uses our will power.

I am a sort of shy person. I don’t toot my own horn like I should. I am not pushy. I will tell you about it and leave it at that. I wrote a blog piece telling you about my book, put it into my newsletter, and told my friends. I know, it seems like a lot of tooting, but I’m not your average tooter, (lol). I’ve told everyone I know, but I’ll only do it once, unless I am asked about it. That’s how I toot my horn.

So what does will power have to do with any of this?

I have a specific disorder. I cycle once a month, meaning my symptoms get worse every three to four weeks. I have schizoaffective disorder. It is schizophrenia symptoms coupled with bipolar and depression. I also have PTSD. Now, I have talked about disorders before, but this time I am not self-diagnosing myself. This is a tried and true diagnoses. It sucks. It takes a ton of will power to accomplish anything. Taking my meds is a huge chore. Brushing my teeth, taking a shower… huge endeavors. They are especially bigger when I cycle. Luckily. I have a good therapist who helps me recognize my symptoms so I can properly cope with them. It takes a huge amount of will power.

Today we talked about how much I have accomplished, how I hold down a full-time job, and how I seem to maintain relationships, (although I do need more friends). He and I know having this disorder can be difficult to cope with life, especially when the paranoia kicks into high gear, or you start seeing more bugs than usual, and the man who stands behind me won’t leave me alone. Will power.

I have to make it. I have to achieve my dreams or it will all be for nothing, and I will have given into my demons and they can NOT win. It isn’t an option. I will not fail. So, writing a book and publishing it is a big deal for me, as it is for many people, but more specifically for those who suffer from mental health issues.

Will power. I can’t lose it. When you see me toot my own horn, as small as it is, know it took a lot of will power to do so. If my horn grows bigger – as my horn grows bigger, I will scream into it, and one day you might wish I would tone it down, maybe. I won’t, though. I am going to keep screaming because doing so takes great will power and I’ll never let go of it.

Let it out... we are all listening.

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