You may have noticed my lack of posts. The prompts have dwindled. The gratitude posts are lacking. I’m still here, lurking around, but I’m not entirely present.
November has not been my month for productivity.
I was really working all my angles to try and make it. However, there’s something holding me back – holding me down. I just couldn’t live up to my version of productivity. I set the bar too high, I suppose and I failed to know my own limits.
I did too much.
It all seemed so lucrative in the moment. Yet the displeasures of my own mental health bared its soul and let me know how much I could really handle.
I feel I am a failure to all my fans and followers, yet I know I am only a failure in my own reality. The reality which blinds me from the truth:
I’m not a failure. I never was.
The words are there, but the concept is too much for me to grasp. I’m not sure I will see just how much I have accomplished given the boundaries of my mind.
I pause and sigh to reflect on those words. For they seem only words to me. Yet for others, those who know me, would know the truth. They know just how lucky they are and they strive to keep our friendship even though I can push back, at times.
November wasn’t a time for me to keep up a certain level of productivity. I cycled into a depressive episode and the outlook on when I will arise from its grasp seems bleak.
At the risk of throwing it all away, I push back the thoughts in the hope I will find the will to return to my somewhat normal self.
I write this to you as an apology for my absence, my promises, and my feeble attempt at trying too hard.
I write this to process the why, the what, and the how.
Why do I see myself in this light?
What is holding me back from being the person I know I am?
How do I free myself from the evil claps of depression?
These are questions I must find the answers to. I must find a way out of my head.
Productivity has ruled my life for longer than I would like to remember. It came when I no longer wanted to deal with my thoughts. In a destined pursuit to stay busy, I lost myself and the things I used to love. I’ve stayed busy for so long, I fear I have lost parts of me forever – the parts that make up who I am.
Therapy is helping me find those pieces. I search through the trauma, the mental blocks, and the tears. I seek to find myself through the dark with no light to guide me.
I cannot let productivity rule my life anymore. My constant need to be busy is ruining who I am.
I write this today to let you know I am still here, but I won’t be here as often and if I do write about something, it will be a thought piece such as this – the original idea for this blog in the beginning. Somehow it was nearly lost.
I have to take a break and continue my search. May I find what I am looking for and may I come back whole and ready.
As always, thank you for reading and following along.
May your mental health be a piece of you and never a burden.