I sat down to write this blog post. To get my feelings out in the open to be processed and digested. I sit here and can barely think of what I want to say. My brain starts to short circuit and I fail to find the exact words.
The title, No November, is a statement on how I fell short this month, and how I set myself up to fail and accomplish nothing.
As many of you know, I finally found a therapist, a much needed therapist with whom I see once a week. I also am on medication for schizophrenia and bipolar 1.
Going to therapy and getting my meds constantly adjusted or changed is messing with my will to be my most productive self. When I have time to be productive, I would rather sleep or lounge in front of the tv. It’s counterproductive when I have clear goals of writing as an income source.
But I must take a deep breath and try to give myself credit for what I have done vs what I haven’t done. It is hard to not beat myself up about sleeping when I should be writing. It puts me into a depressive state and I’m not sure my meds can keep up.
Perhaps next month will be different. Perhaps I’ll work my way out of my slump or mania will take hold and I’ll finish this year with a sense of accomplishment.
When your mental health takes you on a ride, you’re never sure of the ups and downs or the twists and turns. You have to try and adapt.
I’m learning to adapt more by writing even when I don’t feel the urge – like with this post.
For those who are curious, therapy is going well. I have lots of trauma to work through, but I’m learning ways to manage myself in a more productive manner. It will take lots of time and I’ll have plenty of set backs, but I’m excited to learn and grow. I hope you’ll stay on this journey with me.
There’s still time left in this month, so I hope I can end it well.
Lilian is a writer of all things, a lover of animals, and an outdoor enthusiast. Her passions lie in singing, writing, and making others laugh. She enjoys time with her semi-famous dog, Einstein, and her friends and family who swear she’s famous. She writes about her past, her present, and how she keeps it together. If you would love to learn more, you can find all you need to know on her website.
Thank you for reading.