She’s Still Here


I have here, a poem of sorts. It is broken and sort of shaped oddly – like my mind. On the bottom of this post is a section about me and my memoir.

And it hits me

this wave

the sadness seeps in

it seeks to win

but fight I must

through the pain

choking on the dust

Write! I scream

live for the dream

Die! she says

you’re not worth it

anyway

She lies

so you know

happy to see you suffer

she laughs

when you cry

when you laugh

she dies

a little

inside

so laugh and dream

live to hear her scream.

A brief breakdown…

In my memoir, I write about an inner voice. A voice who became such a prominent figure in my life, at the age of 5 or 6. She was such a menace. I named her Michelle – a name not derived of much imagination as it is my middle name, but I felt I had no choice and the name decision was quick and fierce. She has stayed. I wish she would leave, taking her filth with her. I often joke of her presence, make light of who she is, but she is more real than I would truly like to acknowledge.

My memoir is in the hands of a publisher at the moment. They only have the first few chapters, but what I wrote was raw and bare.

A long tiime ago, I was diagnosed with childhood schizophrenia – not something I like to share with everyone, but soon, the facts will be known, as I do believe the disorder has followed me into adulthood. Michelle is still here and writing is the only way to silence her. She hides when I write. But sometimes she whispers in my ear, everything she wants to hear, and it takes my introspection and insight to write long enough to keep her silent.

Mental health issues are no joke. I write about anxiety, depression, PTSD, and BPD. I sought a lot of therapy trying to pinpoint a correct diagnosis – something that envelopes the entire picture, but I haven’t been too honest – especially in therapy sessions where it matters the most. This time, it will be different. I talk about this in my memoir – how I keep pretending and how it effects and has effected my entire life.

I didn’t realize how bad I was until I found myself alone, but in a mix of chaos – this is where I learned the most. I learn more each day about who I was and who I am. I seek to maintain, but to also grow and perhaps become better – my own better normal.

Let it out... we are all listening.

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