I sit here, creative juices at the ready. My coffee is still warm. My notebooks lay bare. My pencils are in position. but my brain is clogged. I made a list. I even drew a motivational quote – anything to build some progress with where I want to be. I typed these few words in hopes of tapping into my potential. But as things are going well, I feel the dread of impending doom lurking not too far behind. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
It’s my constant fear that draws the negative energy. If the fear of dread were to dissapear, I would no longer draw in the negative. I would only draw in the positive.
When you have a high level of anxiety, you tend to feel this negative beast waiting to devour you – rip you into a thousand pieces – tear at your soul, until you can no longer function.
This is a very real feeling for me. At this moment, things are going a little too well. My logical, analytical side lets me know the feeling is only perpetrated by my mind. It is a way to sabotage my success. I will cease all momentum of any projects I am currently working on or thinking of completing. This is a factor of why I can’t get anything accomplished. I make promises, and never follow through. The outcome might be outstanding, but the price is too high to bear. If I fail, and blame it on myself, or some unseen force, I won’t have to worry about too much positivity. I can feed on the negative like a zombie in need of flesh. I’m so used to letting myself down, I don’t know what it is like to let myself get up. I feel stuck in a never ending cycle.
The only good thing is my acknowledgement of the cycle and perhaps my awareness to break it.
I could start small. I made a list today of some things I would like to accomplish on my days off. It’s a small list of five things, but they do require a substantial amount of time and energy. This is where I might give up, let the doom seep into my pores so I can delight myself with the fresh meat of negativity.
I write this piece to process my thoughts, keep myself somewhat accountable, and to help me realize what I am doing to myself and the people who rely on me. Sometimes it helps to take a step back and reflect on what you can do different, so you can break the cycle. Feeding on the flesh of negativity is pretty tasty, but I’m ready for a new meal.