Please tell me what’s wrong with me.
A few years ago, I was chatting on the phone with my mother about my failing marriage. I told her I was in love with a woman.
It was true, but all the other garbage about how we were going to be together was fed to me as lies.
Everyone was lying to me and I was lying to everyone else and myself.
It was a nasty road.
I couldn’t tell anyone who I was, but it came out and it came out as some story. I couldn’t just say it. I gave an excuse behind the proclamation: my ex made me this way.
All I’ve ever done is lie.
Today, or days ago, depending on when you’re reading this, I proclaimed I would come out to my dad. I thought maybe if I told the world, it would compel me to do it for real and hold me accountable.
It was a good day to tell the truth.
It was a good day to come clean.
Perfect to tell my dad who I really was.
Isn’t everyday a good day to cleanse your soul? To lay bare the lies you’ve told everyone for years. To help clear yourself of who you were and who you’ve always been?
In my world, I suppose not.
I need someone to tell me when.
Tell me when it’s okay. Tell me exactly how everyone will feel so I can engage accordingly.
I just need to know if I’ll be treated the same. I only want to know if I’ll be accepted and what I really want to know is if I will be loved.
Above it all, I just want to know if I can be myself.
Please, I just want to be myself.
I’m tired of hiding.
I’m tired of pretending
I’m tired of lying.
If I can get that guarantee, I’ll shout it with pride.
But the pride isn’t there.
The doubt is though. The lies are there. The camouflage is thick. It hasn’t shed itself yet because I still hold on to who I was. The lies are still lurking.
I just want to be normal, my own version of normal.
Please love me for my own version of normal.
But he can’t quite yet, in my own warped mind. I’m still the daughter who never was. I’m full of disappointment.
I was surely your ticket to everything you’ve always wanted. But the burden is too heavy to bear. So I lied. I changed. I try so hard to be everything you envisioned me to be.
I’ll keep pretending and hiding. I’ll keep lying, for now. Until the time is right, the day is perfect, and I won’t be able to lie anymore.