I’m a horrible person. I am guilt ridden for the way I treat my mother. She only wants to help.
The past few years have been incredibly difficult. There’s been one true savior to my life; my mother. To become the person I am toward my mother is unacceptable behavior. What really hurts is how aware I am of myself and how hard it is to change. For this, I write this letter to my mother.
I am sorry.
I can’t express my thoughts out loud. When I do, it’s in anger or disgust. I am truly unable to communicate with you and I am not sure why.
Some days are better than others. Lately, I’ve been having bad days. I have a plethora of excuses. They are valid. However, I should never discredit the number of times you truly want to reach out and love me.
At this moment, I am nearly incapable of the reciprocation. I am not sure of myself. I have been fake all my life, trying to find a spot where I fit, and unable to squeeze my way in. I tried. I failed.
You love me no matter the masks I have worn.
Please know I have tried to peel them away without an audience for they are ugly to me, but I have failed in my endeavors.
I am beyond broken and somehow, you still have faith I will make it.
I can’t fathom the times when you were just so sure against the times when I was so certain.
I cry writing these words.
So many times I have conjured up death in my mind when all seemed lost, but you are there to scoop me out of my cave.
Certainly, you have wanted to give up and often times, I wish you would. In reality, I am so glad you haven’t.
Please, never give up on me, no matter how hard I try to push you away.
I need you.
I love you.
This is what I do. I am wired to be alone, but I am wired to love too. Please help me keep this bond between us alive.
I am a self-aware asshole, and I’m glad you love me.