It’s Slippery In Here

When your mental health hangs between the balance of sanity and insanity, you tread lightly on life’s freshly waxed floors. – CJ

Recently, I made some huge changes in my life and some minor changes.

There are times when you need to step back and make sure you create enough time for yourself.

There are also times when you need to be sure the decisions you make aren’t based off enjoyment and the ever-growing need of your ego being stroked and your precious limbic system being soothed.

Sometimes you have to make decisions based on priority.

It wasn’t long, only 2 years, but the people I connected with would change my life. When I stepped into the diner on March 1st, 2017, I assumed it would be a normal, humdrum job. Just something to get me by until I found something better. The pay was crap, no insurance, and no benefits. I took a 7 dollar pay cut just so I could have some money roll in. Because something is better than nothing. I have a degree, damn it, but something pulled me to this diner.

So when the boss asked if I would like to work for them, I said yes.

I was a hostess, at first. A super crap job from my perspective, but my sights were on the serving aspect, and the chance to sing.

After a few months, I auditioned and landed in a singing server spot. I was in. The servers made good money. It was slow for me at first, but I found my groove and was able to pay my bills, sometimes.

What I didn’t expect to find there were people who made me comfortable about being me. I met my best friend Matt, and I’m quite sure we knew each other in a past life because there have only been 2 people who I’ve been drawn to without question. We connect on so many levels, and I trust him. He is simply amazing. He makes me feel good about being myself.

And there are more wonderful people there. But what I really loved was the attention. And what I really hated, was the attention.

My lines between sanity and insanity started to mold together.

I escaped for a while and started making ice cream instead, at the diner. Another pay cut. So I got a second job. It wasn’t enough, (read My Appendage to find out why).

I stuck through it, with only one day off a week while I worked two jobs. My life was confusing, hectic, and exhausting. I told myself I could not go back to serving. It takes a special person to serve, and while I faked my way through quite nicely, it wasn’t me. I was fake. I have been fake all my life and I couldn’t hold on to it any longer.

I told myself I needed a break.

During our offseason, I was sure I would go back to the diner, and quit my second job, but the time to go back grew closer, and I thought of all the times I would curse about hating that place, all the idiotic questions, all the soup, all the pretentious people, and all the times the diner made me broke.

My second job was calling me, but there were aspects of that place I hated too, but the benefits would outweigh all the negatives except one – the need to feed my attention-seeking self.

For now, I can push my desire to be seen aside.

When it all comes down to it, that need is superficial. It isn’t really a need at all. In fact, the longer I was away, the more the need slipped out of my grasp. It subsided. I can soothe my limbic in other ways.

So I made the decision to leave the diner. It saddens me to leave my friends, but my future depends on stability.

My second, now first job, gives me that stability. It also gives me back my sanity I was slowly losing.

I’m an introvert. My attention seeking behavior comes from past addictions. While this attention was positive and it gave me the friends I never knew I needed, it was ill placed and it put my mental health at risk. It teeters between many aspects of my life and sadly, for now, money is at the top.

Sometimes the decisions you make are difficult and made from necessity. It was necessary to stay at the diner to help soothe my delicate psyche while it ironically was also helping me lose it.

However, my financial future is necessary to ensure sanity in my life. I’ll just have to find a way to make sure my limbic is okay in other ways.

There are other changes too. Changes that aren’t so big. Luckily, I can mend myself through those.

If you’d like to see more of what I do, you can visit me on my website. I have a monthly newsletter.

This floor is slick and all I have are socks.

Let it out... we are all listening.

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