I Just Need to Hide for a While.

Picture of a face.
I’m only smiling because I have to.

I started posting the first couple of paragraphs on my Instagram account. I deleted it, went to my notes app, and wrote the rest. I wasn’t ready to bare my soul to random people. I’m still hiding. I decided to post this here because I bared my soul in this place a long time ago, and it comforts me.

The thought of these words came when I noticed my Instagram was void of photos of myself…

I typed that, reflected on why I wrote this, and I smile – like a revelation coming too late. Some layers of myself are melting and for that I am grateful, but I still remain confused.

Below is my soul – open and bare.

If you’ve been wondering where my face has been, I’ve been hiding. Reasons include aesthetic, working, and this deep need to be away from people and reflect on things that are important to me.

But what happened is I became sort of a recluse. I saw it happen slowly and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The need tore at me from the inside. In turn, I may have frayed some friendships.

Please know I am here. I am always here, looking at your life and wondering how you are, but the demon is stronger than me. And when I reach out for help, it doesn’t work. So I secluded myself even further- isolating myself into oblivion, screaming into the void.

I go out when I have to. I pretend when I’m needed, but this demon is strong.

I love when I’m told, but often times, I remain empty. I confuse this with being heartless. The truth is, I am drained. My cup is empty. I haven’t refilled it and if I ever had the chance, I missed it or perhaps I watched it stroll on by.

Today, as the day before, I am solemn.

I have nothing left. It is told between the sighs, the tears, and the empty promises.

I am broken.

Through it all, I only remain strong for some, for those who really need me. However, I am not sure how long I can last.

I’ve found myself lost in my phone or a book to distract myself from my crushing reality.

Often, I am done pretending.

If you are waiting for me after I come out of hiding, after I figure out who I am, after I don’t feel the need to pretend anymore – thank you. You won’t be disappointed.

I have been feeling this way for as long as I had the complexities to do so. Each day is harder than the last. I leave it with something positive because I am conditioned. However, if I am being real, I would have left it alone after the sentence before the last paragraph.

Please be patient and as always…

Thank you for reading.

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