Pretending


I had a momentary freakout. I became angry. I tore off my robe and hat. I started slapping my legs – hard. It stung after. I threw myself on my bed and flailed my arms and legs wildly. I settled, but my anger turned to tears.

I sobbed for minutes. As the tears flowed, so did the words.

I am stressed beyond measure. The stress turns into energy I can not seem to expel in a way harmful to myself or others. I torture myself with uncontrollable thoughts and actions. I torture others who only want to help by remaining silent.

It’s almost as if I need someone to save me from who I will become.

For now, I don’t know who it is.

I’m in a loop of finely filtered emotions. I am pretending when all I want to do is be me if only I knew who I am.

When I was in the moment, these words floated to the surface.

I am okay. I really do feel this way. I can never really be myself. I always put on a face. There’s always a show.

It’s difficult to know who I really am. For now, I’ll try and be sane and rational. It seems to be working.

Thank you for reading and for following.

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