This day wasn’t what I expected. It never really is.
I would like to state, after writing this piece, I did start over. I came to terms with my dog. I saw some behaviors in him only he could express. They screamed, “Get me out of this house!”. Despite the cold temperatures, we took a ride, went to the park, (his favorite park), went on a long walk, (so long my legs froze), and then ventured out onto some back roads. It was just what he and I needed. He’s smart, my dog. Though he is always about himself, I often wonder if he knew I needed out of the house too. A small ride through the country with a generous amount of fresh air, followed by a good dose of heater, was just what I needed to recharge.
Below is how I felt before getting away from the house. It still stands as truth, it always does. I often need to start my day over. It sometimes feels nothing is going the way I want it to go. However, sometimes it happens this way so you can remember you don’t always get what you want. (Commence singing here)
Do you ever need to just start over? So many of my mornings are filled with hope and are thwarted by interruptions and a small dose of anger.
It happens all the time, in reality. I shouldn’t downplay the amount of mornings I’ve made a plan in my head about the exact things I am going to do only to be interrupted by too much chatter, upset people, dogs with too much energy, and a plethora of distractions I only caused for myself, i.e. social media and things to do that could really wait.
It’s this cycle I think will magically break one day. I seem to think I will wake up one morning, all will be right in the world because somehow, late in the night, the planets rearranged, and in one day I will accomplish all I could hope for because everyone will let me be.
Hold for a second while I laugh at my delusions.
Here’s the truth. I have plenty to keep me busy all day. I have so many side projects. My ideal life would be a space where I could accomplish goals without distractions. Maybe I can get a shed, (insert laughing here).
But there’s another side to this truth. I also have obligations, bills, family tending, dogs to care for, and a life to mend.
It’s a huge pile of adulting. I hate adulting.
So I wake up hoping to focus more on my side projects, trying my best to ignore what really needs attending.
I can’t do this. No, wait. Yes I can. I think.
Do you ever want to scream?
When I lived alone, it was possible. I had only two real obligations, me and my dog.
I saved one day a week for all the cleaning, laundry, and errands.
On the other days, (I had four days off. I worked 3- 12 hour shifts in a row), I took my dog to the park, we went to Starbucks, and after, we went to this feed store where I could take him inside, and we picked out the biggest piggy ear we could find, and then we went home. He was worn out, and it gave me the rest of the day to write.
I miss that life.
But now I have a new life with three more dogs, family, and no real schedule. I love schedules. I love anything the same. I can be flexible, but I’m a true creature of habit, and it was and still is very hard for me to change. I am trying my hardest to adapt.
What I have now, in my life, are a thousand obstacles and no clear plan, or a schedule of how to keep the plan if I had one.
I lack stability.
There are many things I have to change in my life. For now, I have to roll with the punches as they say. I just have to go with it.
I have to wake up every morning with only one goal in mind: to make it through the day.
I’ll write when I can.
If my dog spills coffee on my clothes for the thousandth time, I’ll take a deep breath and change clothes.
If my mother can’t seem to keep her cool under the smallest amount of stress when I am just settling into writing mode, I won’t let it ruin my day.
If my dog nudges my hand and cries because he wants attention, I’ll just take it as a cue to stop and tend to his needs.
The point is, I have to become more adaptable. At this point in my life, I am not going to get the same routine. I have to be okay with it. I have to take deep breaths and know there will be time. It just won’t be when I want it, and that’s okay. I have to tell myself it will be okay. As my best friend reminds me, when I become a mess,
you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
For me, and perhaps maybe you too, I also have to remind myself it is okay to let others know I need time to myself to work. Sometimes, I just fall into the trap of worry about others when they don’t need me to worry about them at all. A plight of having anxiety, I suppose.
What’s sort of ironic about this post is the reason I started writing it in the first place. I wasn’t able to sit at my desk and gather notes for my novel, or start the short story I’ve been wanting to work on. I became frustrated after multiple times trying to “restart” after countless interruptions. While all of this was going on, I somehow found the time to grab my phone and take down these words.
It wasn’t what I wanted to do, but it is what I needed to do. Sometimes, life knows better than you.