Oh Look, Poo

It hasn’t been what I expected. Although it never is. Life is just this ball of shit, rolling down a mountain, piling into bigger balls of shit causing the most disgusting avalanche you could possibly imagine, and somehow, someway you are expected to survive every single stinking turn thrown at you. It’s nearly impossible, and frankly, I’m now nauseous.

But I’m still here, suffering, trying to make do with what I can, shoveling away what I don’t need, and hoping I can clean off what might be worth something.

I started this year, a mere three days ago, with a migraine. I’ve now been plagued with the same migraine for 9 days. I was supposed to be at work, but I called in, on New Year’s Eve, so I’m sure whatever excuse I give them will be just that – an excuse. Some one-liner they’ve heard before. So when I come in the next day looking like death, they’ll just assume I’m still recovering.

I wish it were so.

This migraine bull shit could be the death of me, but I’m seeking some help. I’m involved in a study and while I’m voluntarily helping them push their products for the greater good, I’m sure, I am hoping to learn more about myself, and when I seek real treatment, I can know what I’m talking about. Hopefully, I will not be pushed aside as some female with a headache.

I get to keep a journal. It’s for them, all kept online, but it influenced me to keep my own journal. I even bought a special notebook I didn’t need. You know, to help keep track of the pain. It’s been over a week. I have only written in it once.

And that’s what I mean. This year isn’t going as expected. My migraine has derailed me. I was supposed to be somewhat productive, but I slept for two days, went to work for 12 hours, I stopped myself from getting sick all night from all the noise, lights, and the god-awful smell, and then I slept for another day.

I woke up today, and the migraine was still there, pulsating behind my left eye making it water profusely. I took 2 Excedrin and drank way too much coffee only to feel like I snorted an 8 ball all by myself.

I can’t really function at this point. I’m just going to roll down the mountain with the poop. If I tuck myself neatly into the middle of this big pile of crap, perhaps I’ll make it. Perhaps I’ll survive.

Until then, I am going to try and start over. It is only the third of the month, and the only promises I made were to myself, but that’s a big order because I only expect the best.

Oh, look, a nice spot. Let me just step right in heerreee!!!!!

Let it out... we are all listening.

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