What I’ve Learned

It’s the end of the year, and I suppose we all are reflecting on what we did – good or bad, and how we can improve.

This is something I do all the time – constantly taking inventory.

My inventory personnel is sleeping on the job more often than not. Perhaps a re-hire is in order?

This year, I made new friends, lost friends, began new journeys, and kept the fire going on tasks nearly smoldered.

Life isn’t always what I wanted it to be. It never is, really. I often lost my mind only to find it hiding with things I was trying to forget.

I’ve been trying to fix my financial situation only to dig myself deeper into a hole and I may never be free. It is my fault. It’s part of my mental health issues. I really don’t know when to stop. I really do need some relief. Working two jobs has only made me crazy. They require too much of my mental capacity. Both are loud, smelly, and both are making me sick. I always have sinus issues, and the new job puts an overload on my senses and each week I am sicker. My migraines have increased and I can no longer tolerate the smells.

What really blows is I will probably start over, again. Finding work that suits me is a lot of work. One job, (actually – a few), I really enjoyed and sometimes my senses too were the nanny and rehab job. Both kept me at a reasonable rate of pay and I wasn’t over my head in debt.

I often feel I am a failure because it seems I can’t hold a job. I can. I have. I was a nanny for 6 years, but kids grow up and it was time to move on. I loved the rehab place, but the company is crap. It seemed I moved on at the just the right time, as well given recent news of how the company couldn’t pay its workers.

Sometimes it seems I know before I really know. I move to the next venture before it all falls apart, or maybe I move on before I fall apart.

This year has taught me more about myself than many years past. I have been writing more each day, and it has proven to be something others enjoy. I know for certain it was what I am meant to do, so I am trying my hand at earning wages from it.

I was accepted to write for Channillo in April. I was astonished they accepted me at all. Sometimes writers and creatives alike are the harshest critics to ourselves. The story is good and I am excited to write it, but I had to decide to whom I was writing it for – me or everyone else. When I was writing the story for everyone else, (like any writing I put forth), I couldn’t do it. When I decided it was for me, it started to flow naturally. If I write for myself, the writing comes across more pure, honest, and direct. If I write for others, I’ll want to sugar coat it, and it comes across as false. It was something I’ve learned this year, though I suppose some of my best work is exactly written for me, and if you want to read it and enjoy it, then I have accomplished a great task.

I have put myself out there a lot this year. I wrote an exceptional piece on Medium and have decided to write for them. I only hope to do well.

I opened an Etsy store. It did well this year for a new shop in the midst of thousands.

I even started a podcast. Though I am still unsure how to podcast, it is out there, if you would like to listen.

I made a small name for myself on social media. I’ve been here all along, but I feel I may actually be getting noticed. This is good for marketing my brand as a writer.

I made some decisions this year regarding friendships. That was not easy, but it was also easier than I expected in some aspects.

I learned my mental health isn’t something I should hide, especially since I am not very good at it anymore. My pro status has been demoted to amateur, and I am still not sure how I feel about letting go.

I wrote a little about it last night in terms of what I am and have been willing to share. I decided I am going to write a sort of memoir about it. Many people need to know they are not and have never been alone, despite being isolated from society and from themselves.

What I also learned this year is a lesson I have learned every year: you are in control of nothing – only your emotions and sometimes they can control you if you let them.

As the year makes it way to its final destination, may we never forget what we learned, how we made people feel, how we have changed, and how we have inspired. May we always seek to grow. And remember,

Nothing ever changes if you secretly want it to stay the same.

Cindi P (that’s me)

I hope you have an excellent end to this year and may the new year bring you joy, plenty of inspiration, and perhaps some prosperity.

Thank you for reading and following.

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