Before I get started, let me take a long sip of this red wine, and a deep breath of air because this might sting a little.
Over the course of this week, I have witnessed what a relationship should and should not be. Of course, I am familiar, I am versed on the subject, but there is sometimes you may need a reminder of the exact details of what you are looking for in a relationship.
What I witnessed, made me angry, sad, and then complacent.
I was angry because it happened to some friends of mine, and I can be pretty protective over my friends. I was also angry because I thought I chose friends who did not make such decisions affecting their well-being. At any given time, I comment to myself, why would they choose such a dick head?
Then, I grew sad for my friends since it seemed they were stuck. They didn’t have a backup plan or it seemed they were desperately seeking a way to make sure the one they loved never left. I am sad because I know they can do better, but it seems they think they can not.
Finally, I grew complacent. My feelings started to grow stagnant and if you choose to put yourself into situations such as the ones I witnessed, then perhaps no one needs to give you sympathy anymore. Perhaps you should take control and do what needs to be done and cut all ties.
Two years ago, I left my now ex-husband. It was mutual. We knew it was coming. I fought all my desires, but I could not fight who I was; who I truly am – a lesbian. After a while, we discussed our relationship and I explained how troubled I was for dragging him through some very dark stages of my life only to leave him for the opposite sex. He told me he had never seen me in love until I had met a certain someone. It was true. I no longer speak to this certain someone, but heartbreaks come and heartbreaks go.
What I also learned about myself was my deep need to be with anyone and everyone. This was something that started to become a part of me at a very young age. There were times in my life when I wasn’t with everyone, but there were times in my life when even I don’t know the numbers, the names, or the faces. I came to terms with my addiction about a year ago and have been “clean” for two years. In this two years, I have come to terms with more than just this one revelation.
When you fight urges, you start to learn things about yourself that are beautiful, ugly, and anything in-between. You learn what you really want, what you can do without, and what you will never, ever put up with.
I damaged myself. I am healing. I am not done, but I feel I am ready to put myself out there and try to form a real relationship. When I decided this, the Universe decided to show, or rather to remind me what it is I could be getting myself into, and since these were possible triggers, (I am not sure yet), the Universe was telling me to become more aware.
Instinctively, I listened.
I witnessed a friend being yelled at. The yelling was borderline abusive. I watched another friend give their all, only to be tossed aside like garbage. I watched resentment take a toll. I saw what lust, love, and a naive heart can do to a person all under one assumption – they are scared to be alone.
Alone is hard. Before I was married, I was never alone – ever. I didn’t know what it was like until two years ago, but really more recently. When you’re fresh out of a relationship and you are alone, you sometimes do not feel alone. You still feel some sort of attachment. When you become completely detached, then you are truly alone. This is not something handled lightly, especially for someone like myself. However, I knew for the sake of everything that I am, I had to stop. I had to force myself into my own personal rehab. It wasn’t easy. Many times I felt the need to jump back into my old habits. So I stayed home. I kept to myself. I leaned on the support of nature, family, and my wonderful dog, but what I didn’t do was try to fill my “void” with strangers.
This is why relationships can be difficult. Perhaps we are in one to stop feeling lonely? If so, it is a terrible thing to do to yourself and the person you are with.
When I witnessed what I didn’t want over this past week, I think the Universe was reminding me to take my time and work on myself a little longer. I have to tell you, I am absolutely fine with this. I have my own issues. I have to get myself more established. I thought I might be ready, but when I look around, listen to others, and follow my instinct, I will give myself another year perhaps. I will give myself as long as it takes.
I will work on myself before I drag someone into my life and hope they can work on me too because I am too scared to work it out alone.
That’s the point that might sting a little. If you’re reading this and it relates, read the above sentence again until it sinks.
I am not perfect. I can be destructive. I am, at times, a mess. We are all a mess. We should not pretend to be any different. However, just because we have issues, does not mean we settle for what we think we are worth. We are worth more than we will ever know, and it will take a special person to see exactly what you are, accept it, and be with you not to fill a void, but to have someone to love. First, as we have all heard before, we must love ourselves so we know the true value of our worth.