I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s been so long, I almost forgot about it.
I knew it was here. The way you know a pile of chores exists but you don’t want to touch it. You look at it though, when you pass. It mocks you.
I’ve been busy. Just incredibly busy. I almost make no time for myself. The time I need to be completely alone.
I need to be alone.
This brings me to my next thought.
I am alone. I’ve not been with anyone for two years. I kissed a girl on New Year’s Eve, but that’s it.
Someone asked if I wanted to be with someone; if I was ready. I am ready, I just don’t want to.
I want to move out and move on with my life.
There’s too much pressure put on people to be with someone. We search, we date, we fail, and some of us succeed. But from the time we can comprehend, someone is telling us we have to be with someone else. As if it’s the contingency of happiness.
It’s a pressure I can not bear.
However, you’re slowly singled out if you aren’t attached to another being.
I have my friends. They accept me. Soon, they’ll start asking if I’m going to date. They’ll want to see me happy.
They’ll say, ”I just want to see you happy”.
You’ll get the same pressure from your family. You get it from television, radio, movies – everywhere.
You’ll say you are happy. They will scoff. They don’t believe you.
The reality they perceive is not your own.
I am happy. Some days, I’m not. It isn’t because I have no one to snuggle.
I want to be alone. I’ve never been alone before. I’ve always been with someone.
I want to know how it feels to be silent. To not feel pressured to make someone else happy.
All I want is my own pressure – to make sure I’m happy with myself.
But I see you. I see you wondering when. Wondering if I’ll ever.