Sometimes writing is more difficult than people think.
It takes more than imagination. It takes will, determination, and a sense of preservation.
For myself, I have all of these qualities. However, I strive to self-sabotage. I can’t help it. I have often tried to think back to a time when I did not self-sabotage, and there has always been the will to see my own demise. I think my inner self laughs when I fail.
You have it all, but your demon says no.
Lately, I’ve been tricking myself, like I am now. I’ve made myself this accountability folder to ensure I write. Or at least it helps me pretend I am willing to write.
This post is me writing about writing. See how that works?
However, life takes over and for 4 days, I have not touched my accountability folder. It has sat in my bag, mocking me. I have ignored it. I am ashamed.
Today, I write this out of guilt. I am sorry you beautiful folder. I have shamed you and all your glorious tabs and pages.
I feel the need to rectify my failure.
Closer and closer my forced due date looms closer to post the very first chapter of The Takeover on its hosted website, Channillo. I have not added to my projected word count. I have not touched it for over a week. I told myself I would have the chapter finished by the end of May, It is May 30th. My chapter lies in the dust. The thickness of dust grows. It mocks me while delicately placed inside my accountability folder.
I only stare. Hoping it will write itself. I am tired. Weak. I am nearly unable to wrap my brain around such a daunting task.
I am failing.
But alas, I must write. Even if it this post telling you how I have failed at writing while writing.
Writing is the only thing that keeps me sane.
Every day without writing is another day I slip down the rabbit hole.
Maybe Neo will be there…