I wrote this piece a while back about someone I used to love. I say used to, and know that’s a lie. I still love them, but I’ve guarded my heart against them. This person had such a power over who I was. Letting go of such a thing is no easy task. It took years, a great friend, and an awakening. This piece is my moment. May this person find theirs.
I fell in love with you. I woke one day and it occurred that I didn’t love you like a friend, I loved you like a lover. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be yours. I wanted to be with you as long as life would let us.
You nearly had me convinced. You talked of marriage – of future plans. I was in awe of it. However, I should have known. I should have known it was only an escape for you. A way to fantasize about something other than your current situation. An out. A statement that said, fuck it rather than a statement with any real meaning.
I fell for you. I almost made plans. Plans for us to be together. I was willing to compromise your lust for others just so I could be with you.
I almost had myself convinced it would work out.
I almost settled. I almost gave in.
Sometimes it takes others to show you what’s wrong. When you’re so disillusioned, it takes the eyes and wisdom of another being to guide you to what is right. I found that person. Someone who made me realize I was never getting what I wanted and that you were only around when the statement “fuck it” came to mind.
Perhaps it would have worked. Perhaps we could have been happy. I would have tried. The fog lifted, though. I cried for it to return. I yearned to be blind. I screamed to feel the pain of never having you. But another warmth settled in and gave me the strength to dry my tears, to see, and to stop the pain.
I have to let go. My heart can’t take anymore.
I hope you find peace in your storm. May you break free of what binds you, and know that happiness is not found in others by way of casual leisure, one night stands, and broken promises, it’s found in you.
You can make yourself happy. Do this, and your discontent will end.